


Harry Potter and the Restricted Male Offspring of Royalty

by roonil_wazlib_wuz_here



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bad Humor, Crack, Fuck Or Die, Harry is a Little Shit, Inspired by Fanfiction, M/M, Parody, Please Don't Hate Me, Screenplay/Script Format, Sorry Not Sorry, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:21:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23510770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roonil_wazlib_wuz_here/pseuds/roonil_wazlib_wuz_here
Summary: There's a rather famous Drarry fanfic and this an interpretation of it. In a ridiculous parody, of course.It's a crackfic version, written in script format. Harry has to fix Draco with his dick. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 16
Kudos: 33





	Harry Potter and the Restricted Male Offspring of Royalty

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Harry Potter and The Bound Prince](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6020260) by [slashpervert](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slashpervert/pseuds/slashpervert). 



Harry: Why the fuck are you fucking crying?

Draco: I'm gonna die lol

Harry: I fucking hate your fucking guts, Malfoy, fuck.

Draco: ok but - you saying fuck as many times as possible in practically every single sentence really turns me on so I'm going to kiss you.

Harry: Ew, why the fuck did you fucking kiss me?

Draco: who knows?

Harry: now I'm fucking confused

Draco: lol

Harry: what the fuck are you doing in the fucking Room of Requirement?

Draco: I have to kill someone or I die lol

Harry: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK

Draco: but not yet, because we have to fuck about 753 times before that happens.

Harry: what? ew. nope. no way. fuck.

Draco: *starts to cry _*_

Harry: ok, I'm sorry, let's fuck

Draco: ok lol

_-72 fucks later-_

Harry: Draco, fuck, it's only been like, 5 minutes but I love you and I can't live without you.

Draco: I'm gonna die lol

Harry: You can't fucking die, because I'm Harry fucking Potter and I say so, damn it. I'ma fucking kill Voldemort, ok?

Draco: ok

Harry: Now I'm going to fuck you in this magical room with my accidentally cut finger and accidentally create some sort of magical bind that will accidentally cause you to do whatever I say and make you die without my magic dick. Accidentally.

Draco: ok

_-86 fucks later-_

Harry: Draco, what the fuck, don't die

Draco: *is pretty much dead*

Ron: lol

Hermione: oh no

Harry: Madam Pomfrey, halp

Madam Pomfrey: what the fuck

Harry: i don't know

Madam Pomfrey: yes you do

Harry: no I don’t

Ron and Hermione: *exist*

Madam Pomfrey: go away

Ron and Hermione: *leave*

Harry: Well, now that my best friends who are literally the only two people that I completely trust to tell absolutely anything to in the entire canonical series are gone, I can tell you that I’ve been fucking Draco a lot lately and he’s not doing so well, Madam Pomfrey.

Snape: Mr. Potter, why are you fucking my Godson?

Harry: I love him, ok, so fu...wait... your _Godson?_

Snape: Nevermind, we don't have time to explain anything that could make this plot interesting. You two must fuck _at least_ 563 more times.

Harry: oh right

Snape: Now please tell me every detail about your last sexual encounter while I pretend to be displeased about it.

Harry: Uh, ok well, I fucked Draco and then we cried and then I fell asleep with my dick in his ass, sir.

Snape: Fluids!

Harry: Excuse me?

Snape: Bodily fluids!

Harry: …uhh

Snape: You daft imbeciles! _Everyone_ _knows_ that if you make a promise during sex while sharing bodily fluids in a magical room and then crying about it and falling asleep with your genitalia still attached together afterwards causes a magical binding! _Everyone!_ How could you be so ignorant?!

Harry: ok, sorry but, Draco is kinda dead over here, and we still have a lot of fucking to do, so if you don’t mind could you please hurry this up?

Snape: Draco can do whatever you say now. Tell him to wake up.

_SNAPE exits upstage right. Lights dim._

Harry: wake up, Draco

Draco: *wakes up*

Harry: You're my house-elf now.

Draco: Master has given Draco a dick!

Harry: awww yeeahhhh...

Hermione: Harry, what is going on?

Harry: Draco and I fuck each other a lot now. When we aren't fucking, we are crying. But sometimes we fuck AND cry.

Ron: wut

Hermione: Shh, no, bad Ron. Bad. They've been deeply in love for two whole days. We _have_ to help them. I read books!

Ron: Hermione, I can't help, I'm too busy being the stereotypical homophobic asshole who can't accept that his best friend is gay.

Harry: But I'm not gay, I just like dick a lot.

Ron: I'm going to overreact and storm out of the hospital wing now and then not talk to you because everyone underestimates me.

Harry: bye bitch

Hermione: Ok, so what exactly do you need me to use my brain for because that's all anyone apparently knows about me…

Harry: Go read some books on how to get this fucking magical death snake off Draco's arm.

Hermione: ok fine bye.

Harry: wake up Draco, time to fuck!

Snape: knock knock motherfuckers

Harry: whoops I'm naked

McGonagall: Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy, fucking is highly against school rules. Dumbledore is coming to tell you both the same thing later.

Snape: Professor McGonagall’s cameo appearance is over, so we’ll be leaving now.

Harry: ok Draco, let's take a real shower before Dumbledore gets here because the two-thousand cleaning spells we've done haven't done a good enough job yet.

Draco: ok, but only if we fuck again for the fiftieth time today in there

_After fucking for the fiftieth time that day in the Hospital Wing shower…_

Harry: Wow, during the last forty-nine times that we had sex I thought that I had never come harder _every single time_ , but that last one just a moment ago was _definitely_ the hardest time I have ever come until at least the next two times.

Dumbledore: what the hell are you doing you motherfuckers

Harry: what

Dumbledore: Sorry, wrong fic. Tea?

Draco: I like sugar and cream

Dumbledore: Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy, fucking is highly against school rules. Also, _all_ of us very accomplished and intelligent witches and wizards conveniently have no idea how to fix your accidental bloody butt bond. None of us. Not a single one. Not even me.

Draco: I don't want it fixed. I want Harry to be able to command me.

Dumbledore: …Ooookay, then, Harry, can you please demonstrate this?

Harry: Draco, clap, clap, clap ya hands.

Draco: what the fuck harry, stop

Harry: slide to left

Draco: omg

Harry: slide to the right

Draco: I am not a fucking puppet

Harry: take it back now ya'll

Draco: fucking stop it Harry! you can't command me like that!

Harry: But you _just_ said -

Dumbledore: I think what Draco meant, Harry, is that it is only acceptable if your commands are conveniently used for sex scenes and/or dramatic arguments.

Harry: ohhhhh, I get it now.

Dumbledore: Well, this was a very nice pointless chat. Harry, get ya ass back ta class. Bye-bye, boys!

Draco: Harry, you have to fuck me before you go to school because I'll die if you don't.

Harry: Well, thank god the authors made me able to get hard whenever I need to due to these magical binding properties because this is biologically impossible!

_-43 fucks later-_

Harry: ok, I have to go tell the whole school you'll die without my magic dick now, bye

The Whole School: what the fuck

Harry: Fuck the fucking fuck off if you don't like it, ok? I'm the fucking Boy Who Lived, ok, fuck

The Whole School: ok

Draco: So, how was the whole school?

Harry: It sucked. But you know what also sucks?

Draco: what

Harry: your mouth on my dick, _yeeeahhh booiiii!_

_-a lot of fucks later-_

Madam Pomfrey: ok Draco, if you can suck dick, you can go to class, bye.

Slytherin Students: where the fuck were you, Malfoy?

Draco: I was busy having many near death experiences, crying and fucking Harry Potter 867 times. But don't worry guys, I'm still your Super Hardcore Badass Slytherin!

Harry: Except now you stay in Gryffindor with me in a private room where we cry about life and have sex every single second.

Draco: because I'm gonna die lol

Harry: Hermione, go get books from Sirius's house so Draco doesn't die.

Draco: ok but this literally will not matter

Harry: HURRY UP HERMIONE, we gotta save Draco before me and Ron get into another fist fight!

Hermione: *disappears in a flurry of books and knowledge*

Gryffindors: Quidditch, Harry!

Harry: fuck you and your quidditch

Gryffindors: :(

Draco: I'm going to attempt to give you a speech where I tell you how important it is to not let the people you love down because they're the ones who are there for you and all that type of bullshit because I’m very ooc

Harry: oh my god, you're right

Harry: ok everyone, thanks to ooc!Draco I'm really sorry that I said, ‘fuck you and your quidditch’. But I'm still not going to play. I have very important things to do. Like fucking Draco Malfoy at least 89 more times before this chapter ends.

- _At least 89 fucks later-_

Ron: knock knock

Harry: who’s there

Ron: arm

Harry: arm who

Ron: arm sorry, Harry.

Harry: um

Ron: Harry, I know that no one thinks any better of me other than to act like an overgrown 4-year-old most of the time, regardless of how much of a great and loyal friend I've been to you throughout the entire series.

Harry: Well, you _did_ get into an argument with me in 4th year, Ron. Best friends would NEVER argue and not talk to each other. _Especially_ 14-year-olds who are best friends. That never, ever happens in real life, Ron.

Ron: I know, and I'm so sorry that I've obviously been so terrible. I can’t imagine what some people will think of me after the next book. But anyway, I didn't mean to become so upset and jealous that you began to ignore your long-time best friend for someone that you fell in love with in three seconds after hating him for five years. I'm such an asshole, Harry, please forgive me.

Harry: Of course I forgive you, you're my best fr-

Draco: Harry, I’m dying please fuck me

Harry: bye Ron

Draco: I haven't got much longer to live.

Harry: oh my god, what do we do?!

Draco: Let's cry a lot and have sex and see if that will help.

Harry: No, it won't help! That's what we've been doing for like, twenty-something chapters already!

Draco: ok, but it’s what I want apparently…

Harry: Let's read a whole bunch of books!

Draco: but I don't wanna

Harry: but I don't want you to die, Draco, I literally cannot _live_ without you! Don’t you understand how unhealthy that is?!

Draco: Well, ok, I guess if you really love me that much then I have to go kill that person that I still won’t tell you about so this magic death snake won’t kill me.

Harry: let’s tell Dumbledore

Draco: lol nope

Harry: ok, fine let’s just have sex again

Draco: I changed my mind, let’s go to the library

Harry: well fuck

Hermione: hi, I’m back, here’s a shitload of dark magic books that have no answers in them at all. Let's all pretend this isn't just filler and one of us might find something useful in them.

Jimmy: Hey, Harry, I’m some random kid that Dumbledore gave an extremely important message to give to you. Here. Bye.

Hermione: Oh, wow, I forgot this story had anything to do with the Half-Blood Prince! What does the note say?

Harry: It says that no copyright infringement is intended by the next few chapters.

_-insert actual book scenes with bits and pieces "cleverly" changed-_

Harry: So, Draco almost killed two of my friends, let a whole bunch of death eaters into the school, disarmed Dumbledore and then proceeded to let Snape kill him.

Everyone: what omg no!

Harry: I have to find Draco and help him, I love him, he's perfect

Everyone: that makes absolutely no fucking sense but ok

Harry: I'm gonna go sit in the Room of Requirement and mope and wait for things to conveniently happen, bye

Harry: *sitting, moping, and waiting for things to conveniently happen*

Snape: hi

Harry: what the fucking fuck, Snape, you fucking killed Dumbledore, I fucking hate you

Snape: ok but do you want to save Draco?

Harry: yes

Snape: then completely disregard your hatred of me for murdering the only close father figure you had left and get in this vanishing cabinet so we can apparate to some random room somewhere where Draco is.

Harry: ok!

Harry and Snape: *appear in some random room where Draco is*

Snape: Draco is almost dead over there, how do you fix it?

Harry: with my dick, sir.

Snape: um ok, well I guess I'll just sit in the corner and cry then

Harry: Hey Snape, you got any lube?

Snape: I sure do!

Harry: Draco, wake up or I can't do this, I’m not a necrophiliac, but we had to explore that disgusting kink in this fic somehow because we’re _edgy_

Draco: Don’t kinkshame, Harry, it isn’t polite. And thanks for fucking me back to life but I’m still gonna die soon lol

Harry: No! Why is the magical death snake still there? Dumbledore was just murdered by Snape and that apparently doesn't affect my feelings at all! 

Snape: Draco knows the answer, he just never told you because his curse conveniently prevented him from doing so - which is, of course, the fantastically ingenious explanation we’ve all been waiting for.

Draco: Um, so, I'm pretty sure Voldemort knew about me wanting your dick, Harry, so this snake thing is still gonna kill me.

Harry: oh no

Snape: I have an idea. Let me go away and read some books and I'll be back before you're supposed to die, Draco, I PROMISE.

Harry: Snape's gone, now what?

Draco: Well, it’s been at least a few minutes since we last fucked.

Harry: That is far too long.

_-too many fucks later-_

Draco: oh shit I have 10 minutes to live

Harry: omgomgomgomgomg

Draco: Please calm down and let me die, Harry, I promise this fic would be better if you did.

Harry: No, I can’t do that, you _have_ to live so that we can get married and have a cat and fuck each other’s brains out for the rest of eternity.

Draco: but

Harry: I found a knife

Draco: um

Harry: Let’s cut your arm off

Draco: ok

Harry: *chops off Draco’s arm, gets covered in blood and then pukes everywhere*

Snape: Hey guys, sorry I'm late, I had a meet-HOLY FUCK

_-A very rare moment when there are no fucks later-_

Harry: wake up, Draco

Draco: hi Harry, where am I?

Harry: Snape apparated us to St. Mungo's and left us here. Don't worry, no one is questioning why I was with a Death Eater that murdered Dumbledore. Or why you lost an arm.

Draco: oh yeah, I did lose an- *pukes all over*

Harry: omg are you ok?

Draco: yeah

Harry: aiight cool now what

Draco: …let's fuck

_The End_


End file.
